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Location: San Antonio, Texas, United States

Jill of all trades, mistress of none.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

who ever knew?

who ever knew life would be so hard?
i am quite amazed at how complex my world has become.

in a year's time, my world has turned upside down. illness in the generation before me has brought the realization that life is full of loss and that time is indeed passing quickly. illness in the generation after me has sent me reeling into a world of diagnoses, guesswork, sadness, and fear. i feel torn... between parents and children...

in the present, i find myself trying to recover from a couple of very painful blows. the rug got pulled out... i've lost my bearings... my foundation is cracked... i feel torn... between anger and forgiveness...

into this mess, add in my own personal midlife crisis... who am i? as the wrinkles and gray hairs approach, i'm stunned by the anger i feel at our cultural obsession with youth and beauty. what sucks most, is that i am a part of that thinking. i am a schism as i debate whether or not to "cover my gray". wouldn't dying my hair make me dishonest? make me part of that fountain of youth seeking cult? i feel torn... between denial and acceptance...

who am i? as my children age and as my husband finds so much life in his work, i sense the separateness of me. who am i NOT in relation to someone else? what do i want from the rest of my life? i feel torn... between the me i was and the me i am becoming...


Anonymous kdtrace said...

I was thrilled to find another posting on your site. You put the feelings of so many mid-life women into words. I sense the grief and aloneness. May God give you wisdom and comfort and remember- God isn't afraid of our pain and rage- it is we who are. Thank God for the Bigness of God when we are feeling so small... You will be in my prayers- your whole family.

11:50 AM  
Blogger Shelly said...

God knew life could be so hard - that's why He put the Psalms in, so we could see that we are not the only ones with these emotions. The older I get, the more I appreciate and identify with those words. Praying that you can find your way and hear the Holy Spirit's nudging/whispers in the midst of our pain.


9:07 PM  
Blogger Jeanene said...

kdtrace- thanks for your kind and encouraging words.

shelly- yes, the Psalms are very meaningful to me as well.

thank you both for your prayers.

9:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know you wrote this entry a couple of months ago. But I just found it. As someone who is also trying to make it throught the maze of "mid-life" confusion, I wanted to thank you for not being afraid to bring it up. For me, however, I find no relief from the onslaught of the youth oriented culture even in church. As a single woman who works full time, I am often excluded from events. If you picked up a bulletin from "my" church under weekely events you find young mothers meetings, young couples dinners, along with sermons on how to attrack young people. Apparently, if you're over 30 you don't have the same value. I expect that from "the world" but I've been surprised by it in the church. Add to that being a single 40 year old woman and you might as well be invisible. All the woman's events/meetings are during the day. While all the men's events are held in the evenings or on the weekends.

I'm sorry. I realize I'm being a whiney old broad. It's just that I thought I would find more inclusion through the church. I didn't realize that was dependent on age and sex.

Thanks. I'm sure we'll both muddle through. I'll keep you in my prayers.

8:48 AM  
Blogger Jeanene said...

been a little out of things lately... just saw your post and remembered how very often church can be a painful place for many different reasons. this is a strange time of life. i was driving to work a few days ago and found myself constantly thinking, "I think I'm becoming invisible." i wonder if part of the deal with church and women at our stage of the game is that maybe we seem like we've got it together and on the outside appear to have no needs. just a thought...

9:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You think YOU are becoming invisible? Last week automatic doors refused to open for me. This week the faucets and hand-dryers in restaurant restrooms won't acknowledge my presence and turn on for me. Add this: while job hunting at 52 (and divorced), I am told, "Forget it. Fifty is poison." For now, I am just trying to keep my house, where I can at least catch a glimpse of myself passing mirrors and the dog recognizes me.

1:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for your insights. And just by writing your thoughts on your blog you helped me realize that this is a "personal" thing. I know there must be more women around my area who sometimes feel the same. I'm trying to think of some way of banding together. For support and friendship.

And thanks to the other anonymous writer. Your humor was just what I needed.


6:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oops! The previous post should have stated NOT a personal thing. Freudian slip? :0)


6:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello, I have just found your blog and was very struck by your post. I'm 26 and atheist. I have just come through a quarter life crisis! Why am I here, what's the point, what is my purpose. I'm fascinated to hear about the mid life crisis, especially from someone who clearly has god on their side...I've often wondered whether not believing was the source of my concerns, but it seems that even those who do believe don't have all the answers.

2:56 AM  
Anonymous Kate said...

Thankyou Jeanene, for even posting a blog. I'm sure your plate is full. I resonated with this post. I like to read both your posts & your hubby's. Thankyou. God is good, and it's encouraging that even when we feel alone, it is so neat that we can have a "community" online. Even today, Lord Jesus, Bless my sister & her family as they seek to walk out this life with you.

9:22 AM  

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