who ever knew?

who ever knew life would be so hard?
i am quite amazed at how complex my world has become.

in a year's time, my world has turned upside down. illness in the generation before me has brought the realization that life is full of loss and that time is indeed passing quickly. illness in the generation after me has sent me reeling into a world of diagnoses, guesswork, sadness, and fear. i feel torn... between parents and children...

in the present, i find myself trying to recover from a couple of very painful blows. the rug got pulled out... i've lost my bearings... my foundation is cracked... i feel torn... between anger and forgiveness...

into this mess, add in my own personal midlife crisis... who am i? as the wrinkles and gray hairs approach, i'm stunned by the anger i feel at our cultural obsession with youth and beauty. what sucks most, is that i am a part of that thinking. i am a schism as i debate whether or not to "cover my gray". wouldn't dying my hair make me dishonest? make me part of that fountain of youth seeking cult? i feel torn... between denial and acceptance...

who am i? as my children age and as my husband finds so much life in his work, i sense the separateness of me. who am i NOT in relation to someone else? what do i want from the rest of my life? i feel torn... between the me i was and the me i am becoming...